


Disconsolate

by plain_jane08 (awolfling)



Series: All encompassing [5]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2014-03-07
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:04:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1282042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awolfling/pseuds/plain_jane08
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Danny tries not to let the pain and exhaustion get to him, but with all his energy going into work, Danny’s been a grumpy asshole and he knows it.</i>
</p>
<p>Written for a prompt that asked for Danny having a really bad flare-up and feeling terrible and insecure and Steve being sweet and amazing. (To paraphrase)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disconsolate

Danny’s lost count of how many days this flare-up has been going. Over a week, definitely, maybe two. He hasn’t taken any sick days. Technically he’s used all of his sick leave up for the year, though Steve keeps telling him it doesn’t matter. It matters to Danny though. The rules matter and being honest matters and if you make concessions for one small rule it gets easier to make concessions for the bigger ones. It’s a slippery slope and Danny doesn’t want to put another foot on it. 5-0 already has its toes across the line of what law enforcement officers should or should not be doing. They’d been given special dispensation from the governor to do so, yes, but as much as they do good and get results, the police officer in Danny still baulks at what they do sometimes.

 

Every time Danny takes a day off he gets a nagging sensation that going back to work will be harder than before. He feels more and more tired each time and he knows it’s not that IBS is a degenerative disease. It’s that he’s getting weaker. He doesn’t have the will or stamina to keep climbing out of that hole. Sometimes all he can think about is what it would be like if he didn’t have to work, if he didn’t have responsibilities. It gets more and more appealing as time goes on. He doesn’t want to be that person. He’s never shied from responsibility, not even when he was a kid. He can’t let himself slip. He’s not sure he’ll have the strength to return to normal life.

 

So Danny goes to work everyday, hopped up on painkillers and unable to go out into the field because he can’t risk being away from a toilet for that long. He’s not sure whether to be angry about that or relieved so he settles on both. Danny tries not to let the pain and exhaustion get to him, but with all his energy going into work, Danny’s been a grumpy asshole and he knows it. His temper is frayed and he’s quick to snap. As much as he tries to keep calm, it’s a losing battle. Even Chin, who isn’t easy to offend and generally seems immune to others’ bad moods has started avoiding him. At least by the time they get home, Danny’s too exhausted to start a fight with Steve. 

 

Danny’s been asleep every night by eight thirty for the past week and he and Steve have barely spent anytime outside of work together, unless you count sleeping which Danny does not. Danny’s sure at least half of his bad mood is because he’s lonely. He misses Steve and he feels so bad about being so sick. There’s no way Steve isn’t missing Danny either. Danny’s seen how quiet Steve has been lately, not just around Danny but with other people too. At least Danny has been spending his time sleeping; Steve’s the one who has been awake and alone in the evenings. The guilt is eating Danny up inside and he can’t tell whether that burn in his stomach is emotional or acid reflux.

 

Another weekend comes and Steve asks Danny if he wants to go out and do anything and once again Danny’s answer is ‘No’. Steve hides his disappointment well but Danny knows he’s not the kind of guy who wants to laze around the house and do nothing. Danny wonders if Steve feels trapped like Rachel said she did. How many years will it take before Steve’s patience wears out? Danny doesn’t see how Steve can be getting anything out of their relationship right now. All Danny does is moan and sleep. It’s been weeks since they had sex and Danny is feeling too sick to even miss it. How can Steve, with his pretty strong libido and his need for physical connection, be satisfied with that? Danny’s not the type to break up with someone ‘for their own good’, he’s going to hang on to Steve for as long as he can. But he’s beginning to wonder how much his selfishness is going to cost.

 

Steve brings him breakfast in bed, which isn’t romantic when it’s a glass of Ensure. In fact it makes Danny feel like an invalid. He’s aware enough to know that Steve doesn’t see it that way, he’s just being sweet, and it makes Danny all the more angry and dejected. Steve is too good for him. Danny is like a bear with a sore head, he’s rude and obnoxious and even Chin, his most easy going friend, is starting to give him a wide berth. Danny isn’t sure why Steve puts up with him other than his fierce loyalty. It’s one of the traits Danny loves most about Steve, but Danny can’t see how Steve’s loyalty to  Danny  is worth it. Steve is shackled to someone who does nothing but cripple his life and Danny hates himself for it.

 

Danny’s pity party is cut short by severe cramping and a rush to the toilet. The pain washes away all thoughts and feelings. It hollows him out and when it finally lets up Danny is left feeling only exhaustion.

 

“Hey,” Steve says when Danny comes out the bathroom, “You want to go back to bed or watch something downstairs?”

 

“Let’s go downstairs,” Danny says, because he feels like he owes it to Steve to at least try and be awake today.

 

“Great,” Steve says with a grin. He pulls a blanket off the bed and throws it around Danny’s shoulders. “There we go.”

 

“Thanks,” Danny croaks, feeling a lump form in his throat. Danny often gets cold after a flare-up and the fact that Steve knows and cares enough to make sure he’s warm makes Danny want to breakdown. He doesn’t deserve this level of care and devotion. He’s been withdrawn and angry and terrible to live with for the last few weeks. Steve should want to be as far away from him as possible, not looking after him. Not that Danny’s not grateful. This is something he spent years yearning for and never expecting to get. But now that he has it he doesn’t feel like he’s earned it. 

 

Steve guides Danny downstairs to the couch, his hand on the small of Danny’s back. It warms Danny even through the blanket and it’s possibly the most intimate they’ve been in weeks. When Steve lifts his hand off it takes all of Danny’s self-control not to whine at the loss. Danny sits on the couch while Steve fusses with the dvd player. He turns around beaming in self satisfaction and sits next to Danny on the couch.

 

“Come here,” Steve says, putting his arm around Danny and pulling him close.

 

Danny leans into Steve and scoots down a little, getting comfortable. As guilty as Danny feels, he’s still going to take advantage of this. The movie starts up and Danny frowns.

 

“Enemy Mine?” Danny asks, wondering if Steve put in the wrong movie.

 

“Yeah,” Steve says feigning nonchalance, “I know it’s one of your favourites.”

 

“It is, but you said it was weird, I thought you didn’t enjoy it,” Danny says.

 

Steve shrugs but doesn’t say anything else. It’s nearly impossible to get Steve to watch something he doesn’t like. And when Danny can persuade Steve he normally gets antsy and fidgety. Danny can’t believe Steve is willingly watching Enemy Mine. For Danny. A few minutes in Steve snakes his fingers into Danny hair and starts rubbing his head. His fingers find all of the tense spots and loosen them expertly. Danny melts against Steve, enjoying not just the amazing head massage but the closeness.

 

As much as Danny loves this, he feels like a thief. This shouldn’t belong to him. Steve is too good and Danny a chronically ill piece of shit. All he’s done is cause Steve problems. He’s a burden Steve shouldn’t have to put up with.

 

“What’s wrong?” Steve says quietly, “You’re tensing up again.”

 

Danny’s voice catches in his throat as all his worries and insecurities fight to get out. He doesn’t want to say what’s going on in his head. He feels stupid for all the wallowing he’s done, but his feelings stick fast anyway. After all the lovely things Steve’s done for Danny today, he shouldn’t have to listen to Danny’s whining.

 

“Danno?” Steve asks, concern creeping into his voice.

 

“I-” Danny chokes on his words.

 

“Hey,” Steve says soothingly, pulling Danny closer and rubbing his arm, “Just tell me, ok?”

 

Danny shudders against Steve and struggles for the right words. He can’t find them and Steve’s waiting for him to speak.

 

“I’m shit,” Danny blurts out.

 

“What?” Steve asks, clearly taken by surprise.

 

“You’re too good to me and I don’t deserve it,” Danny says, pulling away, suddenly feeling trapped. He needs to move. He stands up and pulls the blanket around him like a shield.

 

“I’m sick all the time,” Danny continues, “and I’m ruining your life.”

 

“Danny,” Steve says admonishingly. He looks a little angry.

 

“No,” Danny says, “Ok, just, you shouldn’t be stuck with someone who spends more time with the fucking toilet than with you. I’m a miserable fuck and you stay with me because you’re devoted and I love that about you. But you should be doing the stuff you want to do, not stuck looking after me.”

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s my decision to make,” Steve says, standing too, shoulders tense.

Danny clutches his blanket tighter, “I don’t know how you can stand to be with me.”

 

Steve instantly looks sad.

 

“Danny,” Steve says, voice soft, reaching out and placing his hand over the place where Danny’s holding tightly onto the blanket, “I love you.”

 

Danny shakes his head.

 

“No, listen,” Steve says firmly, “I want you to hear what I mean when I say that. When I say I love you, I don’t mean I’m here for the easy bits and I’m gone at the first sign of trouble.”

 

“I know that, Steve, ok? I know how loyal you are,” Danny says.

 

“Just let me speak, babe, just hear me out,” Steve responds levelly, “It hurts me everytime you hurt, that’s what being in love means. You are worth every second, good and bad. I knew who you were going into this relationship and I loved you completely then. I’ve only grown to love you more over time. I’m not putting up with you, I’m here because I want to be. I hate that you’re in so much pain all the time, but I like looking after you. It’s something that I can do so I don’t feel completely powerless.”

 

“Babe,” Danny says, tearing up a little. He sways towards Steve.

 

“You’re the one who told me that relationships are tough and that love is sticking by that person and getting through it together. That’s what love means to you, right?” Steve says earnestly.

 

“Yeah,” Danny nods.

 

“That’s what it means to me too,” Steve says with a note of finality. 

 

Danny surges towards Steve and kisses him. There are a thousand things he wants to say, most of all that he’s sorry that he got himself so wound up. But kissing Steve takes precedent, especially after a declaration like that. 

 

Steve ends the kiss, stroking his hand down Danny’s back.

 

“Come on,” Steve says with a soft smile, “We’re missing that weird movie of yours.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I have a few other prompts still to write, which I hope to get going on soon. Thank you so much to the people who left prompts, you guys have inspired me so much! And to the person who left this prompt, I hope this lived up to your expectations.


End file.
